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Chemistry or Compatibility?

By Eri Anton


Good relationships have both chemistry and compatibility, yet we may not tend to really focus much on the compatibility part until it is too late.

The terms compatibility and chemistry are often used like they mean the same thing, but they’re not the same thing and understanding the difference is very important if you want a happy, healthy, and long-term relationship.

Compatibility is the natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values of two people. It means two people who share the same lifestyle choices and are grounded in the same values in life. Compatibility is about the long-term potential of two people. High compatibility comes from similarities in lifestyles and values.

Compatibility is based around 3 key principles.

1. How you choose to communicate about good and bad things in life. How you choose to argue and resolve issues.

2. Personal goals and being at the same place in life. Striving together and working together towards things you both want to achieve.

3. Honesty and the ability to express yourself. When you can't express how you feel and you feel silenced by your partner it builds up internally until you explode. The explosion will cause damage to the relationship and create other issues.

Chemistry is such a powerful force we often confuse it for compatibility.

Chemistry represents the emotional connection present when two people are together. When there is a high degree of chemistry, that strong connection can bring out warm, fuzzy emotions in the each other, creating a kind of positive feeling in which two people continue to make each other feel better and better.

When you have a high degree of chemistry with someone, they are in your thoughts all the time. You’ll spend all day talking with them and it doesn't even feel like an hour went by. You’ll hope that every call or text is them. The basic traits of their personality trigger your dopamine receptors putting you in a neurological state of dreaminess. Which means there are many things going on with your bodies neurotransmitters sending out oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine that what is really happening is body chemistry. This makes you feel so good that we consider the attraction to be a chemistry connection.

Chemistry is made up of subtle behaviors that align with behaviors of the other person. What’s created is a kind of close sensation in which chemistry is felt by both parties equally. The most important rule about chemistry is that whatever you’re feeling, he or she is most likely feeling the same way. You almost become copies of one another feelings.

High levels of chemistry usually come from opposite yet complementary qualities in people. A woman who is highly-strung, energetic, and slightly neurotic will tend to have a high degree of chemistry with a guy who is relaxed, mellow, and open. Introverts often have natural chemistry with extroverts. People who are orderly and intense planners sometimes work best with people who are spontaneous and unorganized.

Unlike a lack of compatibility, a lack of chemistry doesn’t repel –it simply results in a lack of emotional intensity. Things just feel kind of dead and boring.

Chemistry is also reflected in the bedroom. A lack of chemistry will mean boring, emotionless sex. A high degree of chemistry will mean intense, life-altering, heart-pounding sex that causes your mind to splatter.

So both chemistry and compatibility are important in a relationship and you can't build on just one aspect if the other isn't there. If you try to build on just one aspect the relationship will most likely fail. I have always felt that chemistry is important to see if I want to get to know someone better. A physical attraction will open the door but guarantee nothing not even intimacy. What is does allow for is for me to get to know someone and see if I am compatible with them. Do we share they same interests, do they energize me with their words and actions. If I feel a compatibility connection I will allow the relationship to progress into a better friendship and maybe further depending on the efforts of the other person and how I feel.

Too many people are quick to feel chemistry and then they have sex and wonder why the relationship didn't make it when the sex was so good. Relationships are not built on great sex, they are built on compatibility and with good compatibility you can grow the relationship into great sex. Great sex is not the foundation to build great compatibility unless that is the sole basis for the relationship.

Both chemistry and compatibility are important and critical in a relationship. When you know the difference you can see how to get the most out of your relationships.